I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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