There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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