i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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