Whod you bang
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
