so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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