She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Drunk is a universal language darling
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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