She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
