I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
