He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
