Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
