it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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