I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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