I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
