Ambien. No doubt about it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize