wakey wakey hands off snakey
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
