tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
