and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
