Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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