At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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