Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
