I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
