why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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