so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
