Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
