is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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