I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
