There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
