What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
