White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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