i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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