dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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