I think i peed on brittanys purse
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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