Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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