i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
