Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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