nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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