I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
