I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
