Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
