My first STD was from a foam party
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
