There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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