booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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