oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
