I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
