Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
