Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
