Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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