I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
my liver is dry heaving
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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