i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
