I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
