big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
