so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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