and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize