I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize