You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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