How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
