You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
