i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
