Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
