is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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