i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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