my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
