im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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